AutoDave! The Automated Dave Barry Column Generator

This morning in my face-to-face class, we were talking about Dave Barry's distinctive writing style. Guess what? Other people have noticed this, too. In fact, AutoDave! allows you to fill in a few blanks, press "Click here to view your column!", and--voila!--you've got a ready-made column with all the earmarks of Dave Barry's style.

Yes, it's that easy.

AutoDave Lite! is at the top of the web page, so be sure to scroll down a little bit to the full-fledged AutoDave! Here's what I just created:

Recently in Powell (motto: "Excuse me, I hear your mommy calling you"), residents reported an outbreak of headmites. Perhaps you think there are no headmites in Powell. Perhaps you are an idiot.

As the French say, au contraire (literally: "Thou fusty elf-skinned malt-worm!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Rob Koelling, whose name can be rearranged to spell "RGONBI LKLOE," although that is not my main point. "Rob Koelling," by the way, only has the letters "oKoellin" in in common with "Monica Lewinsky," so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.

According to a quote which I am not making up, from Powell Mayor Erasmus Engelkemeier (formally "Mayor Erasmus Engelkemeier" and informally "Bub"), headmites rank as a major crisis just behind apple pie, mom and America (insert your "Ford trucks" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Powell government employees:

FIRST POWELL EMPLOYEE: "I always considered working here a philanthropic exercise, so I may as well keep doing it now."

SECOND POWELL EMPLOYEE: "Oh my, that wasn't very nice!"

FIRST POWELL EMPLOYEE: "Hey, bozo!"

Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Bub, and that is: divorce George Steinbrenner's ass.

No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's ass, although it might involve using harsh language on Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "reading", and de grace, meaning "lots of books and traveling". The procedure (you may want to write this down):

1. use garbage as a power source, like in Back to the Future
2. curse and then get out the plunger

But instead the Powell city council (motto: "We'll provide for the safety and welfare of their citizens when you pry the coffee cups out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the headmites) will invade your body's secret places soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "Don't tell my parents I work in the oil patch--they think I'm the piano-player in a whore house."

Speaking of which, "The Powell Headmites Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.

Seriously now, doesn't that sound familiar?